Authentic Values

One of the most important and most challenging questions I ask my coaching clients is to define their core values. This is deeper than asking someone who they are or what they stand for. It is a vital question to answer because without understanding this, it is impossible to live a fully authentic life. Allow me to expand on this.

In 1998 I was backpacking in the Teton mountains. My friend and I were 3 days in on a 7 day trek. Throughout those first days was reeling just a bit because just prior to our departure a group of colleagues, when asked to describe me in one word came up with an instant and unanimous answer of “Intense”. This threw me because I had always considered myself to be pretty laid back, so this image felt contradictory to my own image of self. The idea that “intensity” was such a dominant theme in the eyes of others just did not align with the relaxed persona that I saw in the mirror or who I thought I was in the world. So, three days in on this hike and standing along a ridgeline overlooking the majestic line of mountain peaks I encountered an inner voice challenging me to live an authentic life. Challenging me to more deeply explore the contradictions between the life I believed I was living and the life I was actually living.

Up to this point, things seemed to be on course for me. At the age of 37 I had already risen to the Executive Suite of two organizations and was well on track to achieve my defined career and financial goals. Yet, in the silence of the mountains, the screaming voice accusing me of being inauthentic could not be ignored. A closer assessment of things revealed the cracks of life in the form of broken relationships, health issues that should not be present in someone my age, and children whose primary memory of their Daddy was that he was always at work. I started to see the price I had been paying for not living and acting in ways that were authentic to who I was at my core.

As a Boy Scout who achieved the rank of Eagle scout, the core values of scouting were clearly defined in the Scout Law which simply said: “A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, clean, brave, and reverent.” These were just some of the values that defined the younger me and continued to resonate as I entered adulthood. Standing there on that ridge I asked myself honestly if I had lived up to each of those words that provided such a solid foundation in my youth. And I realized in that review that somewhere in my quest for career and financial security I had lost touch with - and strayed from - my core values. That while seemingly successful and satisfied with things in my world, my recent adult life was not fully authentic.

I came out of the Teton Mountains and made some substantial changes because I knew that failing to do so would result in more failures in relationships and further compromised health. In short, the lesson that those mountains taught me is that the most foundational truth to life and the secret to happiness is that one cannot live a life that is in contradiction with their true core values. And to attempt to live in contradiction with those core values results in an energetic swirl of chaos that churns havoc within one’s life, relationships, and physical well being Yes, we can accomplish things and be seemingly successful. But doing those things in a way that is not aligned with one’s true self creates inner conflicts that we may not be openly aware of but, yet over time, inevitably takes its toll.

To live in alignment with one’s values means that you must first truly understand those values. No one can tell you what they are. And they are different for everyone. They must resonate at the core of your spirit as absolute truths. As such, they define your authentic self. And in understanding them they can become the compass to the best life we can live. Every action, inaction, reaction, and word can be measured against those values, and when aligned with them, results in a life lived authentically.

Which brings me back to the most important question I eventually find myself asking almost everyone I coach: What are your core values in life? It is not an easy question to fully and honestly answer. But it is well worth exploring for the supporting compass it will bring to life. Without openly understanding this fundamental truth about one’s self, we are left risking living a life of somewhat random responses and actions to the environment around us and sometimes straying down paths that are not in our best interests because they seem appealing in the moment.

True, well rounded, and long term success, fulfillment, and happiness starts with living an authentic life.